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All the Marbles: Madness Ends

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The end is upon us! Well, not the end of the world–that was the subject of our last massive collaboration–but the end of our All the Marbles tournament. 32 contestants became 8, and now 4 will fall and 4 will rise to claim their rightful place as victor of Badassery, Intelligence, Vileness, and Meh.

Let’s. Do. This.

All-the-Marbles

 

BAC

Axe Cop (2) vs. Fridtjof Nansen (8)

axe frid

 Limitless Imagination vs. Accomplished Reality

There’s a reason these two contestants made it to the end; it’s nigh impossible to discover any two tougher entities in the world. While both men are known to explore new boundaries and do things for the good of the world, they have wildly different ways about them. Axe Cop, an imaginary officer of the law, would eradicate all evil with his axe despite its tangibility. Fridtjof Nansen earned a Nobel Peace Prize for taking the opposite route and employing diplomacy to get even the most stubborn of countries to open talks.

This battle couldn’t have been tougher to call than if it was a Best Mustache Contest.

But there are no ties in this tournament. Sorry, Hunger Games, but there’s no conniving your way to double freedom on our watch. Put down those berries.

Both Mr. Nansen’s exploratory achievements–worldly, scientific, knowledge, and diplomatic–and Axey Smartist’s conquered foes–ranging from dinosaurs to clowns–have been intricately laid out.

Imagination, it seems, still tugs at the inner child of voters. While Fridtjof’s accomplishments showcased pinnacles of badassery, the uninhibited imagination of a child and boundless amount of powers of a policeman has garnered favor for our winner:

Axe Cop, winner of the Steely Trophy

BAC

May he wield it as a fine weapon against his next enemy.

 

IQA

Leonardo da Vinci (1) vs. Atticus Finch (6)

leo finch

 Pure Inspiration vs. Inspired Purity

Two men of intense intellect, but the way each utilized their respective brains seemed to differ as much as possible. Leonardo da Vinci was a man of invention, creation, inspiration, and a 500-year legacy. Atticus Finch was a jack of all trades, able to use his superior intelligence to instill a sense of right and wrong, of grey in a world of black and white.

Da Vinci was a genius in his own time, but even his failed inventions became inspirations for those with the means and technology to later attempt recreations. His application of paint to canvas is more valued than many celebrities and athletes combined ($759 million in insurance money, inflated from 1962). Atticus, contrarily, offered nothing physically tangible, but instead instilled senses of morality that few if any other literary characters could. The way that Harper Lee crafted a character that could teach generations of English students and recreational readers is awesome in every sense of the word.

Unfortunately, a sense of morality cannot quite compare to the raw brainpower of the truest Renaissance Man. Sorry, Atticus, but the victor is:

Leonardo da Vinci, winner of the Aggie Award

IQA

Just another accomplishment for the man who’s achieved so much with pure thought.

 

EVL

Nuclear Bombs (2) vs. Commodus (4)

nuke comm

 Big Red Button vs. Big Yellow Coward

Man vs. Machine. We’ve had many of these contests throughout our tournament, but this one is definitely the most frightening. Both wield power with only the intent to crush and decimate their enemies’ bodies and morale. Each combatant does so with subtle warnings; Nuclear Bombs offer but a whistle through the air before megatons of fire, and Commodus offers a simple thumbs down (or is it historically a thumbs up?) to eviscerate the already defeated.

What truly makes a being evil? Intent. He who wields the nuke can intend to use the weapon as a figurative shield, a way to make an enemy cower, or as a last resort. An emperor can use his power to make the people love him, rally with him, or fear and loathe him.

Intent, as it seems, was the true deciding factor in this battle. Even with the current fear running through several countries about North Korea’s intention to destroy those who oppose it, it might not equal a man whose position led him to slaughter innocents, the beloved, his own family, and ask for forgiveness without any actual signs of mercy. His goal? To have everyone love him or die if they refused.

The raw power of a nuclear weapon is intense, but the black heart of a yellow man brings us:

Commodus, winner of the Silver Palantir 

 EVL

Just don’t touch the top, Commodus.

 

DNF

3D Movies (1) vs. “The Beatles on iTunes” Announcement (6)

3d beatles

Depth Deception vs. Tag Team Deflation

Everyone wanted 3D Movies to pan out. People thought that The Beatles on iTunes would’ve been a great combination. No one expected both to pan out with such mediocrity, but here we are.

There are strong arguments for both senses of being overrated. There have been very few 3D films that have been enhanced with the technology, and the disappointment for shelling out extra money for those glasses and extra shame is mounting. Apple’s announcements and presentations usually resulted in new and expensive computers and phones, but this one notified us of a merger that we just didn’t care about.

The hype. That’s where the winner was decided. As stated, there’s no denying that both competitors were highly overrated, but both were differently overhyped. The Beatles/iTunes marriage was built up quickly and just as swiftly decimated by reality. 150 years of hype is actually still going with every new movie, bigger upcharge, and heavier frustration by fans and parents who shell out beaucoup bucks for their kids to fidget with glasses that essentially do nothing but keep a film from looking fuzzy.

Take a walk on Abbey Road, Beatles and Apple, as our victor is:

3D Movies, winner of All the Marbles on DVD

DNFI can think of nothing more worthy as an award than a movie about female tag team wrestlers.

 

That’s all, folks! Our inaugural tournament has come to a strong close. Many thanks for all the writers and readers who took part in crafting a hefty rumble, deciding the winners, and putting up with all of the nonsense that we bandy about. Stick around–there’s plenty more of that nonsense to come on Hobbes Lives!

Marble Madness


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